IT ALL STARTED IN A CLOSET....
Tears running down my face, I decided to die.
Frail, fatherless, frustrated, and alone, I decided to die was better than to live.
I’d heard of this Jesus guy and figured perhaps I was young enough to slip into heaven despite taking my life. Surely, there was a clause for young people to at least get a shack in heaven if they committed suicide. As I started to choose between the rope or the pills, I heard the Lord’s voice resounding, “You must live for your daughters. Live for them.” This hope of one day seeing my daughters was written on my hearts, as I secretly fought depression daily for years.
As a child, one thing was certain I always dreamed of being a mother. On this day over 15 years ago, I told the Lord, “Yes.” In an instant, it was as if angels filled the room and wrapped their arms around me. It was a comfort that was so tangible. I could never forget that moment. That moment would become a pivotal moment of change for me. Although, I have certainly still had times where I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, I always had a reassurance that the Lord's promise was something I could hold on to.
Years later, I began a family with my husband, Joseph. My first child was a girl, Trinity. This was a reminder that maybe I wasn't just imagining the Lord's promise. Time moved forward, and my husband and I would have another child, Joseph. My husband had his dream of two children. However, my heart yearned for more. My heart remembered the promise. Eventually, we would have another three boys. Now, five children along and very tired from the woes of life, I made up my mind. I was finished. Truly, I thought I could not handle any more children than my four boys and one girl. Yet, I started to question whether my promise of daughters was a figment of my imagination. Perhaps, I had come up with this idea as my personal defense mechanism against death.
Even still, I had a nagging thought after my fifth child, "But what about my daughters?" At this point, I dreamed of a young girl I would adopt in the future. My husband, at this time, was pretty certain we were done having children as well. But we were both open to fostering or adopting. I figured since the Lord wasn't going to make it happen the way I envisioned, perhaps I could just "give him a hand."
How many times have you decided that God may need your help to make something happen?
This confusion about the promise made me question other promises. Nonetheless, I continued my journey with the thoughts of my future adopted daughter in mind. Then something happened….
About a year after my fifth child was born, my husband began to express that the Lord had given him a desire to have another child. After prayer, we agreed it was time for us to have one more child. Before the pregnancy started, my entire family began to pray for a little sister. Truthfully, my children had been praying for their sister for years. I can recall my son saying, "The one thing I prayed to God for, my sister, He didn't listen." Ouch! With that being said, we all prayed for the sister.
Shortly after, I learned I was pregnant. All the while, I prayed for the daughter. However, I felt guilty for praying a daughter when there are people who would just be happy for one child. And even more so, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Yet, 14 weeks into the pregnancy, I was reminded of that gentle whisper, "You must live for your daughters." The Lord began to speak to my heart and show me things about my future daughter.
On Mother's Day weekend, my husband and I walked into the ultrasound specialty clinic and heard the words, "It's a GIRL!"
God had fulfilled His promise. Our second daughter was on the way, just like He promised years ago. These verses began to truly come alive for me in this moment.
For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory. 2 Corinthians 1:20
So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11
Truly, the Lord had kept His promise. So although, I am so excited to have a beautiful new daughter, she means so much more. She is not just another addition to the family or even "just" an answered prayer of my children.
She matters because she is an example that the Lord does not make empty promises.
She matters because she has taught me that waiting for a promise doesn’t negate the promise.
She matters because she is a reminder that God does not lie or tease.
She matters because she is living proof of believing for what God has promised.
This is why she matters. I could not be more excited for the world to meet the manifestation of a 18 year old promise of the Lord to a frail, suicidal young girl. So although it all started in a closet, it's all ending for the world to see! With my arms raised and a humble heart, I give praise for what God has done and will continue to do through the birth of my Heavenly Joy.
There is victory in holding on to a promise from God. His promises are always for your good and His glory. May you never allow anyone to lead you away from His words over you! His words will keep you when the world tries to defeat you.
I challenge you to reflect on every promise the Lord has spoken to your heart. If you are unsure or don’t have a specific list, go here for a list of biblical promises.
May you always remember that God has not forgotten His promises for your life!
For more on God, The Promise Keeper, click here.