Single and Transformed
“I can’t believe it - I’m going to get married and have a family! It’s finally going to happen!”
These were the thoughts of excitement ringing through my head as my boyfriend and I talked and dreamed about marriage, honeymoon locations, and children. We would add to these dreams with almost every conversation we had as I anxiously yet excitedly waited for the day he would get down on one knee and propose to me.
After almost a decade of knowing each other, I began to date my best friend. We were not just each other’s best friends, but lovers, and family. With him being a significant amount older than me, his wisdom amazed me and his confidence captured me. In fact, I was so "in love", I made the hard decision at just 16 to move from across the world from Japan.
The last year and a half to two years of our relationship, we made the decision to make things right. We would be pure. At this time, I thought to myself, “We are bound to get married now. It’s been almost 10 years. Thank you, Jesus, for letting us get through all obstacles to get to this point.”
Yet, for all the years I knew him, I felt God tugging at my heart and whispering..
"This isn’t My plan for you. Let go.”
But being the stubborn woman I was, I never did. I argued with the Father and said, “But I love him. I want to marry him. I want to be the mother of his children.” And every single time, I felt God tugging at my heart, beckoning me to be with Him, I would ignore it. This accumulated so much pain and confusion in my relationship that it trickled down to all of my other relationships.
But I did it. I made the choice...I decided to let it go.
A few days before he told me he was going to propose, I cut the official relationship off. This was not a decision that was made lightly – it took much prayer and travailing from others, prophetic words, confirmations, and tears. I heard what others were telling me but always shoved back and defended my love for my boyfriend.
The months ahead were some of the most painful months I have endured so far in my short 24 years of life. My ex-boyfriend I were still trying to be friends, but it wasn’t working. Feelings were too tangled and I was always too afraid of hurting him. Eventually I cut him off completely a few months later, but this initial rip and emptiness in my heart were the most painful. I wasn’t sure if I could keep going. I was depressed, questioning my life and if I made the right decision, and in unexplainable pain.
The truth is that through this process, I chose to fight against all of my emotions and press into God’s heart for me.
In this season, I chose to be all His. Just Jesus and me. My spiritual parents played a significant part in this time, along with some very close friends of mine.
Each time I thought about how damaged my heart was, the Lord showed me a vision of Him being the Great Physician and healing me on an operating table.
He showed each area where I was torn apart and mended those areas with truth and love. He told me, “I want to make you better. Trust Me now.”
I went through a roller coaster of emotions, a few of them being depression, anxiety, paranoia, trauma, confusion, and longing. I felt like the poison was being sucked out and the healing ointment was stinging like crazy. Yet throughout all of this, God was faithful. He consistently reminded me of His love for me every single moment. When I felt depressed, I would get a phone call from a friend, a surprise present from a random stranger, or a text message from my spiritual dad with a Scripture would bring life to me.
I wish I could tell you it was easy. I wish I could say that it didn’t make me want to give up and that it wasn’t filled with pain and agony. I also wish I could tell you that I didn’t mess up again on this rocky road, but His grace empowers me every day to live a righteous life.
The days got better as I continued to walk with the Lord. I started to enjoy my relationships with my girlfriends more. New, healthy relationships were being brought to me. I became spontaneous, I started to have dreams and hopes for my life, and I started to sing and write songs again. I traveled to different nations and ministered unto the people of those nations. My decision-making process became much sharper and wiser than ever before. I experienced a spiritual birth for myself and helped one of my best friends deliver a spiritual birth for promises. I helped do deliverance on many people. I prayed for the sick and they got healed. I lost a significant amount of weight and gained a huge amount of self-confidence. My growth in the Lord was accelerated in this past year despite my shortcomings. Time and time again, the Father would encourage me and the decision I made. I started to focus on the miracle and joy set before me instead of the situation I was in, and I became alive again. Love brought me back to life.
Please don’t get me wrong; although the relationship ended, there were many precious moments during that time that helped me become the woman I am today. I am so thankful for what I have been through. The process I am going through now is so beautiful and full of grace that I wouldn’t change where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I have learned a lot throughout this past year – much about the Father, people, and myself. I see singleness as a blessing that has catapulted me to great depths of God’s heart in many aspects.
Today is my one-year mark of singleness, and it’s a date I treasure. It was the beginning of a journey, and today it is my greatest adventure. Don’t be afraid to step out into what God is saying to you. Be bold, be courageous, and be strong. Fear hinders our decisions and suffocates our dreams while Love breathes life into broken promises, lost dreams, and forgotten hope.
There’s victory in jumping out of the boat.
There is victory in surrender.
There’s victory in grasping just how deep the Father’s love is and His passionate pursuit for our hearts is.
He loves us too much to let us continue walking down the wrong path. I challenge you, whoever is reading this and is struggling with making a decision: go. Let God lead you. It’s only scary because it’s uncomfortable. But God’s got you in the palm of His hands. He won’t ever leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He will go before you (Isaiah 43:5) and He will teach you (Psalm 32:8). Let new adventures begin.